Wednesday, 24 March 2010

Vegan Mushroom Risotto Recipe

Is there a reason you're not already frying a chopped onion and some fucking garlic in a pot? Get some OLIVE OIL and do it, just like you would when you make any other other meal in the world that's worth fucking eating. Throw in the mushrooms, bird brain. WAIT! ha! You're using dried mushrooms from that cess-pit of a world food shop in your vile little city? LET ME haven't soaked them yet? REWIND, EINSTEIN. Do that before you do anything else.

A risotto is made of Arborio rice. Sometimes in supermarkets they call it "Risotto Rice" or they'll at least write "THIS RICE IS FOR FUCKING RISOTTOS, DICK-EATER" underneath whatever dick-suck font they've written 'Arborio Rice' in on the packet. It'll probably tell you how much to put in as well, per person. If it doesn't, trying taking a fucking chance on fate and stop being a pussy. Guesswork is what made this country great, not crying like a little girl in a PINK dress in a student kitchen.

If you're a pisshead you'll have some dogshit week-old white wine sitting in your fridge. Take it out. Swig from the bottle. If that mouthful feels like the jigsaw piece that's been missing from your day then DON'T WORRY; It just so happens that you've been doing the right thing for far too long and that the rest of the world can't keep up with your awesomeness. Phone your boss. Quit your job. Pour in some wine, but leave just enough so you piss your pants and panic-phone your old boyfriend/girlfriend later on in the evening. Get one of those vegetable stock cubes that your retarded friend tried to smoke at your last FAILED house party. It'll come in handy seeing as you're about to make some stock. There will be instructions on the back of the box that will tell you how to make it. If you can't read them, like your retarded friend, call your mother. Tell her that you were a fucking mistake.

Now, I know you're a keen little sort; always sticking your dick in things that aren't people and showing your poetry to girls who you will never get to fuck, but this next step will require a little PATIENCE. As you add the stock, the rice will begin to absorb it. If you add too much stock your rice will go to shit. Wait for the stock to be absorbed then add a little more. Use a fucking ladle or whatever. Repeat until the rice is all plump and tender and represents something you might want to eat, not something you have already eaten.

Remember those mushrooms you were soaking? Of course you do, Kim Peek. Drain them and chop them up. Throw them in the pot. This bit is easy and requires little brain power, so maybe you could have a little think about why your older brother or sister is far more successful than you. Maybe you could also do us all a favour and plan to remove all those pathetic photos you took of yourself and posted on Facebook.

Holy fuck! Does it smell good? It should do if you've done everything right. All that's left to do before you and your friends fill your cretinous faces is to add a handful of fresh parsley and a knob of dairy-free margarine. Check that you laughed at the word 'knob', string up a noose and use the fuck out of it. If however, you didn't, stir in some salt and black pepper, serve in a bowl, and for fuck's sake, try not to eat it with your hands. Oh, and if your non-vegan friends want to sprinkle a little Parmesan cheese on the top, you should let them. Do not call them rapists. They'll be needing no encouragement in thinking that you're a total wanker.


  1. I can't see you replacing that bald fella on Something For The Weekend with that attitude.

  2. Donkeys ago, I went for an xmas night out with work to the 'pan american'? - some shithole down the docks.

    Paid good money for the Worst risotto imaginable. Don't think I've eaten one since.

    This article almost makes me fancy another though.

  3. I liked this. Especially the bit about Kim Peek.